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it’s hard for me to like people. it seems to me that when they are around me all of their annoying habits are amplified. their qualities are buried under layers of pretension. their smiles are distorted as if i am looking at them through a bottle. their words become white noise. their sound drills in my head and with every fucking syllable they drill deeper in, until they hit my off switch. i am surprised i like some people because i cannot help but be appalled by their complete obliviousness to their faults.
someone once used the words “i don’t have the bandwidth for this friendship”. they didn’t say that to me — although i wish someone would say that to me — but to someone they know. i am beginning to think i have this problem too. the thing is everyone wants to be friends. there has to be a point where you say i cannot handle so many people being around me or stand the pressure of keeping in touch. there has to be a point where you say enough’s enough and not bother about being friends with a lot of people.
i’ve had women say to me that they want to be just friends after a couple of dates and it’s not funny how many of them have said this. perhaps i am a guy people like to be friends with, women especially. but i don’t care about that you morons. i was never friends with you before. i don’t want to be friends now. i have enough problems dealing with my current friends. and why would anyone want to be friends? do you not have friends yourself? you are pathetic; a sad person. if you don’t like me, don’t mince your words. don’t tell me you would rather be friends. don’t malign the good name of friendship. i know i wouldn’t waste that covenant on someone i don’t like. tell me you hate my guts. i’ll respect you more.
my mind has a default way of letting people out of my life. and i am glad for it. so whenever someone is out of sight, i move them out of my mind. i don’t keep in touch. and i hear people bickering about why i never call them or talk to them online. there’s a reason, you idiots. I DON’T WANT TO!
