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i was looking at my parents’ wedding pictures the other day. it had been a while since i saw them and they looked so young. at this moment, you are thinking, “of course, you dumb bastard. they were young.” but that’s not the kind of young i am talking about. they had the look of a couple who don’t know what they were going to do for the rest of their life. it was a kind of fear mixed with the wonder of mystery on their faces. and it struck me like a lightning.
i wonder if people today have those fears and that wonderment when they are tying the knot. my sister who got married in june this year looked so happy and it was infectious. it just tided over everyone i think. it was a very happy day for all of us. probably the happiest day this year.
then i looked at other pictures. pictures of me at different stages - when i was only 1 and had no idea what the fuck the big deal was and why there were a million people hoisting me on their shoulders and why on earth they bought me a cake shaped like a cat with a tail. then pictures of me from when i was about 9 or 10 and i was going around the south of india with my parents, sister and my grandfather. that was the time i fell in love with travelling, seeing new places and old places in new light. i fell in love with southern india, a love that still baffles people. and then there were photographs of me from 1998, when i was a 15-year-old. glorious days those. when nothing in this world bothered you. when you had no idea life is gonna screw things up. when you had no idea what a blog meant or didn’t even had a good understanding of the internet and its treasures (mostly, porn). yes, i grew up late. i had big fucking round spectacles, the kind lennon would be proud of. i had no trace of facial hair and a lot of dignity. but i grew up and grew out of those glasses. i wear plastic now. i have facial hair, although less savannah-like and more desert foliage - scattered and intermittent. and i have lost much of my dignity - traded it in for the three Cs (oh lookie a capitalised letter) cigarettes, coffee and cheap alcohol. best decision of my life.
i have changed, my parents have changed, my sister, who looked miserable throughout the south trip pictures, has changed. and we have all changed for the good. my parents now have the look of contentment on their face. the look, which says we got it right and that fear from 35 years ago was uncalled for, my sister is also happy. she has made some of the toughest decisions in her life - some of them she was forced into and some of her own volition. i have changed as well. the alcohol is no longer cheap and neither are the cigarettes and the cofeee. wait! there goes the guy i sold my dignity to. perhaps i can buy it back.
- bastardowski
