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i get this feeling often that i am the worst asshole i know. i ruin relationships over the pettiest matters. at least that’s what people tell me. but then those matters are not really petty to me. they really do matter to me and it’s what matters to me that counts, right? if only life here was so simple. this maybe called the bastard’s life. but i have to play the good man role every now and then and for reasons unknown, i’m sick of it. i want to live a honest life and if that means breaking a few teeth, i’ll foolishly wear that toothless grin. so why not say what’s on your mind? why are people so damned afraid of doing it? why do we take prisoners?
but living the fake life, i have come to realise, is the grist in this grand mill that we operate everyday. that’s what gets churned down and ground out to produce an easy life. it sounds convoluted, right? we are paying with our identity to achieve a sameness. and at the same time we treasure our uniqueness. sounds like a farce. there has to come a point in your life when you realise all that mulch you are producing is worthless and the real grains of your life must not be ground down. so why do we even do that? i haven’t yet seen or heard the answer and it probably is because i must have slapped it before it could utter a word.
i don’t know what it is that makes me say or do those stupid things that i do. but that’s the mystery in life, isn’t it? when you start to measure every little word and examine every minute action, you lose yourself. in thoughts that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. i think being frank, honest and immediate can free your mind. and it may be called impulsive or instinctive and people will knock you for being an asshole and then you will write about it in your blog. you cry, you sulk about being ignored, but you keep coming back for more of the same. and sometimes people will let you be yourself. they will criticise when you are not within earshot, they will call you names and pass judgements (sometimes wholly flawed) before you call time. but there will always be someone who’ll appreciate you despite your flaws (are they really?) and tolerate you. those are the people really worth looking for.
i’ve decided not to get ground down and lose everything that makes my life unique and so much more different than this other person, who is also writing about his amazing life on wordpress or blogger. why do humans strive for homogeneity, for parity, when being different, having distinct characteristics, mark us out from other animals. i have vowed to be the asshole who has made my life difficult because that’s the only life worth living. i don’t want someone else to design my life and neither would you, if you thought about it. so i’m going to speak my mind, be rude and cynical, be opinionated and be called an asshole. but you should not. i don’t want you with me. you are stupid.
- bastardowski
