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i just realised a few weeks back that i have started stammering. it’s an unnerving feeling. as far as i can remember events from my uneventful childhood, i’ve never stammered or had any speech defects. there were days when words would refuse to form. they would just hang around my mouth. i would mouth them, feebly. sometimes i would be the only one to react to those words, but more often than not i got my point across. it’s a different matter altogether that the points were not very pointy.
but this stammering thing beats me. i have done no reading on why people stammer or how it is that someone who has been speaking normally all of a sudden cannot. there is, however, a more conscious effort on my part, to speak more softly, choose words wisely and not get excessively excited about anything. there is a calmness about my speech that was never my hallmark. there used to be a time when there was no self-control, no restraint and i would just blabber on and on, without realising what i was saying or any remorse for my words. maybe the old way was right and everyone who has been telling me to mellow down is an airhead.
but now it’s all broken. could it be because i am fighting a losing battle? i think these last few years have been my salad days. i’ve met more interesting people, have experienced more ground-breaking epiphanies and have been involved in more absorbing conversations than the rest of my life. perhaps, it’s over now. this is the plateau which leads you into a mid-life crisis. perhaps, it was meant to be. perhaps this is my head’s way of telling me, “enough’s enough. you’ve been normal for long. this is you. the real you.”
- bastardowski
