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losing
today i feel anger and guilt. anger to have lost a job. guilt because i lost a friend or two. forty-eight hours ago, i was feeling good about myself. two days. from up to down. i am losing and i have lost.
bandwidth
it’s hard for me to like people. it seems to me that when they are around me all of their annoying habits are amplified. their qualities are buried under layers of pretension. their smiles are distorted as if i am looking at them through a bottle. their words become white noise. their sound drills in my head and with every fucking syllable they drill deeper in, until they hit my off switch. i am surprised i like some people because i cannot help but be appalled by their complete obliviousness to their faults.
someone once used the words “i don’t have the bandwidth for this friendship”. they didn’t say that to me — although i wish someone would say that to me — but to someone they know. i am beginning to think i have this problem too. the thing is everyone wants to be friends. there has to be a point where you say i cannot handle so many people being around me or stand the pressure of keeping in touch. there has to be a point where you say enough’s enough and not bother about being friends with a lot of people.
i’ve had women say to me that they want to be just friends after a couple of dates and it’s not funny how many of them have said this. perhaps i am a guy people like to be friends with, women especially. but i don’t care about that you morons. i was never friends with you before. i don’t want to be friends now. i have enough problems dealing with my current friends. and why would anyone want to be friends? do you not have friends yourself? you are pathetic; a sad person. if you don’t like me, don’t mince your words. don’t tell me you would rather be friends. don’t malign the good name of friendship. i know i wouldn’t waste that covenant on someone i don’t like. tell me you hate my guts. i’ll respect you more.
my mind has a default way of letting people out of my life. and i am glad for it. so whenever someone is out of sight, i move them out of my mind. i don’t keep in touch. and i hear people bickering about why i never call them or talk to them online. there’s a reason, you idiots. I DON’T WANT TO!
wilir
what i learned in rajasthan
sometimes, and only sometimes, the company of friends is overrated. talking to strangers or not talking at all are good replacements for familiar and stale conversations
lemon tea is the next best thing to strong coffee. make it a staple on all menus across the world. and what is that strange masala they add in your tea in pushkar. it’s all kinds of amazing
camels are named and sometimes, they are named after your good friends. camels are also scary when running around hopped-up on some intoxicant.
everybody is out to make money. no noble intentions anymore. even kids are looking to get a few bucks
japanese people are really crazy. i always had a feeling about this but meeting haji in jodhpur confirmed this. the man was a hyperenergetic mime – without the face paint
jarko is from mexico and he knows more about my country than i do. and max, a german told me there’s no shame in going through a lonely planet for your own country. i think there is
cellphones are for travel wusses, but sudoku gets you through some tough times, when even watching paint dry will entertain
when i quit smoking travelling alone won’t be half as much fun and the beer will taste less heavenly
bhang can fuck you up. for a long time the orientation of things changed. up was down, left was right and going around in circles seemed like a perfectly good way to walk
your first meal sets the course for the rest of the journey. in my case it was gatte ki subzi and the perfect ghee-soaked paneer parathas
thank you, ChronicusSkepticus for giving me the idea to use this format
101
Plan to do this in 1001 days starting October 8, 2009. Fingers crossed and all that.
1. Get a digital SLR camera
2. Restore old photographs
3. Master Texas Hold’em
4. Write a feature script
5. Watch all the Star Wars movies
6. See Radiohead live
7. Get a tattoo
8. Run a marathon
9. See a match at the Camp Nou (preferably the El Clasico)
10. Give up smoking
11. Drink only good whiskey
12. Buy something from uncrate.com
13. Buy a big fucking wrist watch
14. Go to Japan and eat human sushi
15. Live in Goa for a while
16. Go to a psychic
17. Learn a musical instrument
18. Master Def Jam Fight For New York
19. Learn cooking
20. See Muse live
21. Learn to ride a bike
22. Go to Mongolia
23. Realise ‘Edge of India’ dream
24. See Tendulkar batting
25. Have friends over for drinks
26. Learn to like dogs
27. Eat at El bulli
28. Compliment a stranger
29. Become more positive
30. Own two computers (1/2)
31. Get an international friend
32. Stay at home more
33. See snow
34. Get a girlfriend
35. Have a heart-to-heart with sister
36. Lose weight
37. Learn to properly fold shirts
38. See all India’s states and UTs (18/35)
39. Play football in Goa
40. Discover an amazing new band
41. See more local bands live
42. Go one day without feeling depressed
43. Learn to shuffle cards the pro way
44. Send parents on holiday
45. Read Skinny Bastard
46. Get treated at a spa
47. Get a manicure
48. Get a pedicure
49. Do acid
50. Do mushrooms
51. Convince one person to become a Barca fan
52. Convince one person to watch The Wire.
53. Start recycling
54. Have a house-warming party
55. Don’t eat any chicken for a week
56. Learn to swim
57. Use my passport
58. Have a picnic
59. Fire a gun
60. Have a party on 22nd September
61. Stay drunk for 48 hours
62. Stay off internet for at least 48 hours
63. Stay at Janta until it closes
64. Collect old ball-point pens
65. Shoot on film
66. Go on a small holiday alone
67. Walk in the rain without an umbrella
68. Learn to sew properly
69. Watch 101 movies
70. Put 100 in a box for each completed goal
71. Wear a suit on a normal day
72. Visit Rithika in Auroville (#fail)
73. Get a new, lower bed
74. Donate to charity
75. Go to the end of all local train lines once
76. Take a walk on any Mumbai skywalk
77. Go to Elephanta Caves
78. Throw peanuts off the roof of a tall tower
79. Get a photo with someone famous
80. Capture a time-lapse photo
81. Go hiking
82. Plan a really good surprise party
83. Camp
84. Learn to verbally resolve arguments
85. Learn the words to a rap song
86. Read a book in one day
87. Gift someone the first thing you see when shopping for presents
88. Go to Khajuraho
89. Eat only fruits for a day
90. Watch any one movie which releases in November
91. Use bow and arrow
92. Take a photo in a photo booth
93. Solve a crossword without cheating
94. Stop using awesome
95. Drive a car
96. Go without talking the whole day
97. Lie when asked my name
98. Become a member of a social club
99. Go to a 5-star and pay for everything
100. Eat lobster
101. Show people my new blog
Completed: 26 out of 101
Due date: Approximately 7th July 2011.
pictures
i was looking at my parents’ wedding pictures the other day. it had been a while since i saw them and they looked so young. at this moment, you are thinking, “of course, you dumb bastard. they were young.” but that’s not the kind of young i am talking about. they had the look of a couple who don’t know what they were going to do for the rest of their life. it was a kind of fear mixed with the wonder of mystery on their faces. and it struck me like a lightning.
i wonder if people today have those fears and that wonderment when they are tying the knot. my sister who got married in june this year looked so happy and it was infectious. it just tided over everyone i think. it was a very happy day for all of us. probably the happiest day this year.
then i looked at other pictures. pictures of me at different stages - when i was only 1 and had no idea what the fuck the big deal was and why there were a million people hoisting me on their shoulders and why on earth they bought me a cake shaped like a cat with a tail. then pictures of me from when i was about 9 or 10 and i was going around the south of india with my parents, sister and my grandfather. that was the time i fell in love with travelling, seeing new places and old places in new light. i fell in love with southern india, a love that still baffles people. and then there were photographs of me from 1998, when i was a 15-year-old. glorious days those. when nothing in this world bothered you. when you had no idea life is gonna screw things up. when you had no idea what a blog meant or didn’t even had a good understanding of the internet and its treasures (mostly, porn). yes, i grew up late. i had big fucking round spectacles, the kind lennon would be proud of. i had no trace of facial hair and a lot of dignity. but i grew up and grew out of those glasses. i wear plastic now. i have facial hair, although less savannah-like and more desert foliage - scattered and intermittent. and i have lost much of my dignity - traded it in for the three Cs (oh lookie a capitalised letter) cigarettes, coffee and cheap alcohol. best decision of my life.
i have changed, my parents have changed, my sister, who looked miserable throughout the south trip pictures, has changed. and we have all changed for the good. my parents now have the look of contentment on their face. the look, which says we got it right and that fear from 35 years ago was uncalled for, my sister is also happy. she has made some of the toughest decisions in her life - some of them she was forced into and some of her own volition. i have changed as well. the alcohol is no longer cheap and neither are the cigarettes and the cofeee. wait! there goes the guy i sold my dignity to. perhaps i can buy it back.
- bastardowski
bastard
i get this feeling often that i am the worst asshole i know. i ruin relationships over the pettiest matters. at least that’s what people tell me. but then those matters are not really petty to me. they really do matter to me and it’s what matters to me that counts, right? if only life here was so simple. this maybe called the bastard’s life. but i have to play the good man role every now and then and for reasons unknown, i’m sick of it. i want to live a honest life and if that means breaking a few teeth, i’ll foolishly wear that toothless grin. so why not say what’s on your mind? why are people so damned afraid of doing it? why do we take prisoners?
but living the fake life, i have come to realise, is the grist in this grand mill that we operate everyday. that’s what gets churned down and ground out to produce an easy life. it sounds convoluted, right? we are paying with our identity to achieve a sameness. and at the same time we treasure our uniqueness. sounds like a farce. there has to come a point in your life when you realise all that mulch you are producing is worthless and the real grains of your life must not be ground down. so why do we even do that? i haven’t yet seen or heard the answer and it probably is because i must have slapped it before it could utter a word.
i don’t know what it is that makes me say or do those stupid things that i do. but that’s the mystery in life, isn’t it? when you start to measure every little word and examine every minute action, you lose yourself. in thoughts that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. i think being frank, honest and immediate can free your mind. and it may be called impulsive or instinctive and people will knock you for being an asshole and then you will write about it in your blog. you cry, you sulk about being ignored, but you keep coming back for more of the same. and sometimes people will let you be yourself. they will criticise when you are not within earshot, they will call you names and pass judgements (sometimes wholly flawed) before you call time. but there will always be someone who’ll appreciate you despite your flaws (are they really?) and tolerate you. those are the people really worth looking for.
i’ve decided not to get ground down and lose everything that makes my life unique and so much more different than this other person, who is also writing about his amazing life on wordpress or blogger. why do humans strive for homogeneity, for parity, when being different, having distinct characteristics, mark us out from other animals. i have vowed to be the asshole who has made my life difficult because that’s the only life worth living. i don’t want someone else to design my life and neither would you, if you thought about it. so i’m going to speak my mind, be rude and cynical, be opinionated and be called an asshole. but you should not. i don’t want you with me. you are stupid.
- bastardowski
broken
i just realised a few weeks back that i have started stammering. it’s an unnerving feeling. as far as i can remember events from my uneventful childhood, i’ve never stammered or had any speech defects. there were days when words would refuse to form. they would just hang around my mouth. i would mouth them, feebly. sometimes i would be the only one to react to those words, but more often than not i got my point across. it’s a different matter altogether that the points were not very pointy.
but this stammering thing beats me. i have done no reading on why people stammer or how it is that someone who has been speaking normally all of a sudden cannot. there is, however, a more conscious effort on my part, to speak more softly, choose words wisely and not get excessively excited about anything. there is a calmness about my speech that was never my hallmark. there used to be a time when there was no self-control, no restraint and i would just blabber on and on, without realising what i was saying or any remorse for my words. maybe the old way was right and everyone who has been telling me to mellow down is an airhead.
but now it’s all broken. could it be because i am fighting a losing battle? i think these last few years have been my salad days. i’ve met more interesting people, have experienced more ground-breaking epiphanies and have been involved in more absorbing conversations than the rest of my life. perhaps, it’s over now. this is the plateau which leads you into a mid-life crisis. perhaps, it was meant to be. perhaps this is my head’s way of telling me, “enough’s enough. you’ve been normal for long. this is you. the real you.”
- bastardowski
